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The Puddinging


Pinkie Pie


11:47 PM

A white mare in a brown overcoat stepped over a puddle of water in the dirt. She had a thing about avoiding puddles, somethin' about the way it was just the leftovers of a well scheduled rainfall made her not like 'em.

The mare had her wits about her and her hat down. She didn't like this side of town, smelled too much like a bad time. But right now, almost everything did.

It was just one a' those nights, the ones where you know that somewhere somethin' nasty was going down. A night where two ponies would meet each other but only one would be able to tell anypony what happened that night.

Something smelled wrong tonight, the white mare could smell it in her instinct. She was supposed to be meetin' her partner down this alley, but she wasn't anywhere to be found.

Rarity should have been reaching for her sidearm, but this was just Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie.

But then again, you can never be too careful when your job is cleaning up crime. Sometimes the crime don't come away easy, you gotta get your hooves dirty. And in this town, that meant dirty with some poor suckers' red icing.

Rarity opened her trench coat and wiped her badge with a handkerchief. "Gotta keep everything in order." She says to herself.

"Hey Rare." A voice pops up out of the darkness. "Got a new lead."

The voice tosses an envelope in front of the white dame. The envelope flops open and some papers fall out. Rarity raises an eyebrow.

"I thought the Mahony case was canned by the big guys." Rarity asks the dark voice. "And why are you talking like that Pink? You don't have to talk like that around me."

Pinkie Pie leaned her head out of the shadows, revealing a frowning bright pink face lit by her burning desire for justice. "Can't take no chances with nopony, not in this town. Got too many ponies sick in the head see? And I ain't seen nopony take me seriously when I'm staring 'em down in the interrogation room with a smile in my face and a loving embrace in my arms."

Pinkie Pie walked out into the moody light of a street lamp. "The Mahony case was trashed after we lost our last lead, but somethin' still stinks. Mahony was gunned down in his home by the Sweet Treat gang, that much was certain, but something else came to my attention after the case was closed."

Pinkie Pie motioned to the envelope. "Got these while checkin' out the alley behind the house, seems the feds didn't get everything."

Rarity put on her most intense investigating glare and looked at the pictures. The street lamp focused on her eyes in the most hard boiled manner possible. The pictures were nothing new, just pictures of the house were Mahony was killed.

But one of them had a red circle on it. Rarity leaned closer, intensifying the mood of the scene.

"It's the getaway van. We already know what that was like, but check the inside." Pinkie Pie said in an appropriately gruff voice.

It was a set of barrels with the label "CHOCOL-" and "PUDDI-" on them. Rarity lowered her eyebrows, contemplating what it could mean.

"Chocolate pudding..." Rarity says. "And that's a whole lot of pudding for only 8 ponies. One could sure have one heck of a party with that stuff."

"I don' like this Rare, what do the Sweet Treats want with all that tasty pudding?" Pinkie Pie pulled out a red lollipop and put it in her mouth.

Rarity took another look at the barrels. "Wait a minute Pink, I recognize that barrel. I've seen it before in the Pony De Lite shop. I bet that's where they got the stuff."

Pinkie Pie took out her lollipop and stared at it for a moment. "I say we go ask the owner if he knows anything, get a new lead. Maybe we can nab these foals this time around."

Rarity nodded, tipping her brown fedora. The mood-active street lamp slowly faded out as they walked away from the alley.

The white mare was havin' one of those nights again, the one where you can't sleep because somethin's eating away at your mind like a greasy pizza on tissue paper.

Well this case wasn't gonna be no greasy pizza...not at all...

Early to bed, early to rise makes a pony healthy, wealthy and wise. Too bad it wasn't that simple, not in a town like this. Ponyville was peaceful enough most of the time, it was only during the night when it got ugly. Or when you stumble into the wrong part a' town and the wrong set of ponies.

The two well dressed detectives opened the doors to the Pony De Lite, adjusting their collar as they did. They took a look around. Simple enough place, neither pony got a scent of any rotten deals going on here, just the smell of sugar and pastry.

Rarity put her hoof on the counter and looked the cashier dead in the eye. Pinkie Pie held up her badge, she was always the one who did most of the talking.

"Name's Pinkie Pie, Detective for the Ponyville Justice Bureau. Need to ask you a few questions." Pinkie Pie looked at the cashier and raised her eyebrow.

"Uh, ok." The blue pony behind the register answered.

"Me and my partner here are huntin' down some thugs and we think they placed an order here. We wanna know when." Pinkie Pie said.

"Oh, ok. We keep records of all our orders, just in the back. Follow me." The cashier walked back into the shop.

Pinkie Pie and Rarity nonchalantly looked at each other and followed him to the back. The cashier walked to the back of the storage room and closed a door. "Nothing else back there, just sweets. We keep the order sheet here." He quickly said and pointed to a notebook.

Rarity flipped through the book until she saw an order for 4 barrels of chocolate pudding that was placed 2 weeks ago. The name was one of the known members of the Sweet Treats. "There's our rat, right here in black and white."

Pinkie Pie looked at the order. "Hey sweet'keep, you remember this guy's order of 4 barrels of chocolate pudding?"

The "sweet'keep" looked at it and thought for a moment.

"Yeah, I remember them. It was a nasty looking group of ponies. They came in here and asked for the pudding straight away. They knew exactly what they wanted."

"Hmm." Pinkie Pie thought to herself. "Well did ya' hear them talk about anything else?"

"Uh, now that you mention it. I did overhear one of them say something about needing to get some kind of rainbow juice. Not sure why though."

"Ok." Rarity said, closing the order book. "I think that's all we need to know."

"Let's make like a banana and split." Pinkie Pie nodded.

"Glad I could help out Ponyville's finest." The cashier said.

Rarity stopped and lowered her head, dramatically increasing the tension in the shop. "We aren't the finest, we just do what we have to do to keep the streets safe...Stay frosty sweet'keep."

Rarity and Pinkie Pie exited the shop and looked at each other nonchalantly again.

"This is worse then I thought Pinks."

"Whaddya mean Rare?"

"Come on, I'll tell you back at the office."

The two ponies smoothly walked back to the office because it's much more hard boiled to talk about crime in a police investigator's office surrounded by hard justice and the smell of a clean street.

"Pudding and Rainbow Juice..." Pinkie Pie rubbed her hooves together. "Sounds like quite a party they must be planning."

"It is a big party explosive party." Rarity answered. "If you were to extract the Orange Concentrate from a rainbow and mix it with chocolate pudding, the results can be a delicious explosion the size of a whole building."

"Delicious..........................if you're a criminal with a taste for evil." Pinkie Pie answered, immediately rebounding off of Rarity's dialogue in show of wit and hard boiledness. "Sounds like one heck of a party."

"This could end up bad Pinks, real bad. Talkin' popsicle in a hot day bad."

"Hey, there was sumthin' else I saw when we left the shop. I thought it was just the dirt playing trick with me, but I know what it was now. It was some tire marks with a few pudding stains on the ground, I bet it'll lead us right to the foals."

"Pretty good eye Pinks. What do you say we go crash us a party?" Rarity tipped up her hat. "We'd better be packin' heat, ponies like those aren't gonna just let us in."

Rarity and Pinkie Pie went to the bottom floor of the Justice Bureau and opened a large metal case. The case opened in front of the two extremely suave ponies. The looked at each other and grabbed the weapons that were inside the case.

They carried a pair of Timmyguns outside to their JUSTICE AUTO-WAGON and hoped inside. Who knows what these two mares would find at the end of the trail, maybe just find themselves at the bottom of a ditch on the side of the road.

But that was the sacrifice you had to make, for the ponies of this town, and for justice itself.

They took off in their JUSTICE AUTO-WAGON and headed to the Pony De Lite shop. They reached it and Pinkie Pie pointed in the direction she saw the trail of dubious chocolate pudding.

They followed the trail until they reached an abandoned warehouse that reeked of foul intentions.
And crime.

Rarity wrinkled her nose, she ain't smelled crime like this before in her life. Pinkie Pie got out of the JUSTICE AUTO-WAGON and walked up to the warehouse. She looked inside and saw a group of extremely smug ponies wearing black coats.

Pinkie Pie could almost feel the crime coming off of them. And the coats they wore; black: the colour of crime.

"This is definitely the place." Pinkie said, adjusting her fedora. "Let's crash this party."

Rarity recognized that this joke was already used before, but she ignored it because it was honestly the exact same one-liner she was thinking of.

They opened the trunk of the JUSTICE AUTO-WAGON and grabbed their Timmyguns. Rarity pulled out her beloved "Street Cleaner" and Pinkie Pie admired her favorite: "Mr. Diplomacy."

They walked up to the door of the warehouse and nodded to each other. This party was about to be definitively crashed.

They backed up and kicked down the doors to the warehouse. Seven surprised, crime-obsessed ponies spun around to the entrance.

"Say hello to My Little Friend!" Pinkie Pie shouted.

Pinkie Pie and Rarity pulled the triggers, unleashing a fury of miniature cupcakes into the Sweet Treats gang. Mr Diplomacy fired a cupcake with bright red frosting at a pony sitting in a chair, sending red frosting splattering all over the wall in slow motion.

Street Cleaner launched red cupcakes at a pair of ponies leaning against a wall, filling their bodies with red frosting and cupcake crumbs.

After a bit the two dames stopped firing, and the smoke cleared from the entrance. In front of them were seven cupcaked ponies, all smelling of dubious doings and fresh frosting.

Fresh never get the smell of it out of your nose. It stays with you, it keeps reminding you that now somepony is lying there with red frosting all over their face. Keeps a pony awake at night...

Pinkie Pie and Rarity looked around the warehouse and didn't nothin' but red frosting and some cranky ponies on the floor. Suddenly one of the gang members started coughing, guess Mr. Diplomacy and Street Cleaner didn't do the job on him.

Pinkie Pie and Rarity stepped over the pony lying on the ground. Pinkie Pie pulled out her Peastol and aimed it at the thug's head. "Where is the pudding?" She said to him. Rarity simply stood by and watched.

The pony squirmed on the ground, his legs covered in frosting. He looked down at the frosting and screamed.

"Tell me where the pudding is!" Pinkie Pie yelled, poking his head with the weapon.

"I-I don't know!" He squirmed.

Pinkie Pie smaked him with her hoof and pushed the Peastol to his head. "WHERE IS THE PUDDING?! We know you are planning on turning it into a bomb, now TELL ME OR YOU GET A FACE FULL OF HOT CUPCAKE!"

"Ok! Ok I'll tell you! The pudding bomb was put under the Town Hall in the basement supply room, it's going to be going off at any time now! Now please let me go!" The pony pleaded.

"Thanks mack, you been reeeaaal helpful." Pinkie Pie said and raised her Peastol.

The pony sighed and fell back onto the ground.

"But unfortunately, we can't let crooks like you run the streets." Pinkie Pie said and aimed her weapon at his head.

Pinkie Pie fired her Peastol, launching a cupcake straight at his head, covering his entire upper body in frosting. Some even splattered onto her hoof. She looked down and licked the frosting off of her hoof.

"You know Pinks, you can be real hard sometimes." Rarity commented.

"Crime ain't gonna go easy on you, so you can't go easy on crime. We'd better get moving if we wanna stop the Town Hall from gettin' redecorated."

Rarity nodded and the two jumped back into the JUSTICE AUTO-WAGON. They sped off to the Town Hall, swerving around corners in an unnecessary but undeniably cool fashion.

They reached the Town Hall and barged into the doors, sending papers flying into the air.

"That bomb could go off at any second, we gotta hurry Rare." Pinkie Pie said.

Rarity nodded coolly and ran into a hallway, looking for the basement. Suddenly she saw Pinkie Pie take a turn down a flight of stairs and followed her.

"It's down here, my nose can smell pudding and evil from a mile away." Pinkie Pie said.

As she said that they found a door labeled "Supply Room". They burst the door down and jumped inside.

Inside was nothing but a large supply of brooms and a piece of paper on the floor. Rarity picked it up and the lighting in the room focused on the paper.

It read: "If you are reading this you might still be able to make it to see Sugar Cube Corner go up in pudding!"

Pinkie Pie stood in shock. Not Sugar Cube Corner...who would want to blow up Sugar Cube Corner? It was absolutely the best dessert restaurant around, but sweets don't matter, not to a criminal.

"Manure just got real." Rarity said to herself.

The two justice-seeking ponies ran out of the empty storage room and back outside. Sugar Cube Corner was just across the street.

They ran outside, dramatically kicking the door open as they left. They ran to the pastry shop in a fit of justice-fueled strength.

As Pinkie Pie reached the door to Sugar Cube Corner Rarity looked back at the Town Hall and saw somepony standing on the roof with a remote control in their hand and a crime-fueled smile on their crime-loving face.

Rarity recognized the pony from earlier, he was the pony that ran the cash register at Pony De Lite. Rarity turned back to Pinkie Pie and ran after her.

"PIIIIIIIIINKKKKIIIIIIIIEEEEEE PIIIIIIIEEEEEE! LOOOOOK OOOUUUTT!" She yelled in slow motion as the "sweet'keep" pushed a button on the remote control.

Pinkie Pie stopped and saw Rarity reaching out to stop her. Before she could react an explosion of chocolate pudding blew Pinkie Pie off of her feet. Rarity was knocked to the ground as Sugar Cube Corner went up in a blast of delicious chocolate pudding.

A large glob of pudding hit Pinkie Pie in the face, knocking her back and sent her rolling along the ground. Rarity covered her face as she ducked under a hunk of pudding.

After a few moments Rarity looked up to see Sugar Cube Corner coated in chocolate pudding. She looked over and saw Pinkie Pie lying on the ground with her face covered in pudding.

"Pinks!" She yelled and dove to Pinkie Pie in the most hard boiled fashion she could muster.

"Don't give up on me you hear? Don't lose to the pudding!" Rarity yelled to Pinkie Pie.

"Rarity? It'" Pinkie Pie said, licking pudding from her lips.

Pinkie Pie laid there for a few moments before her breathing slowed down. "Hey Rare, you gotta clear the streets for me. Consider this my resignation." Pinkie Pie uttered, sticking her tongue out and lying her head and the ground.

"Pinks? Come on Pinks, we gotta stop more do-baders. You can't stop now." Rarity said, using every bit she had in her to maintain her hard boiled posture.

After a few moments Rarity sighed and placed Pinkie Pie on the ground. She took her hoof and dipped it into the pudding, licking her hoof to taste it.

It tasted...

It tasted like...


Rarity struck a much more aggressive hard boiled manner and looked up at the top of Town Hall. The Sweet'keep gave her a wave. Rarity ran to the Town Hall and kicked the doors open again.

She ran inside and ran up every flight of stairs she could find. She saw a door labeled: "Roof Access" and kicked it open. As she stepped onto the roof she saw the vile Sweet'keep standing near the edge, giving her a smile full of debauchery.

The world turned black and white as Rarity confronted her new worst enemy.

"Glad you could watch my plan take shape Inspector Rarity. I suppose you're wondering why Sugar Cube Corner got a sweet makeover?"

Rarity simply stared back at him. Sometimes ya gotta just wait for the best time to do somethin', and like cooking the perfect pancake, Rarity waited for the perfect time to strike.

"You see Rarity...Pony De Lite has for years been one of the best pastry shops in Ponyville. But never THE best, that rite belonged to Sugar Cube Corner. So I did the only thing I could, I used a little 'aggressive business modeling', and now nothing is stopping Pony De Lite from being the greatest pastry shop in all of Ponyville!"

Sweet'keep threw his head up and laughed. The pure crime in his laugh made Rarity's eardrums have a hissy fit. Rarity ran towards him, charging to end his tyrannical hold on pastry sales.

She ran up to him and kicked at his chest. He jumped to the side and returned with a kick of his own. Rarity's head flew back as she was kicked in her face. Sweet'keep ran up to her to push her over the edge.

"Goodbye Inspector Rarity, say hello to Pinkie Pie for me!" Sweet'keep yelled in his most heinous voice.

Sweet'keep pushed Rarity over the edge of Town Hall. As she fell she grabbed onto Sweet'keep's leg and pulled him down with her.

Sweet'keep screamed in rage as he fell with her off of the top of Town Hall.

"Hey Sweet'keep, it's about time you get your..." Rarity said as they fell. "Just desserts..."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Sweet'keep yelled as they fell to the ground.

Rarity watched the town of Ponyville race past her as she fell. All the crime she's helped sweep up, and all those crooks she put away; she hoped Ponyville would be fine without her now that the Sweet Treats gang was gone.

Rarity and Sweet'keep fell off the building and landed in a large pile of pudding. The pudding jiggled as the protagonist the antagonist fell into it.

Ponies walked up to the pile of pudding cautiously. After nothing happened for a few moments, the ponies hung their heads and each shed a single tear for the sacrifice Inspector Rarity had made for the sake of justice.

With the Sweet Treats gang gone and Sweet'keep out of the picture, Pony De Lite was soon obtained by Rarity's younger sister Sweetie Belle, who kept her sister's legacy alive by becoming the greatest pastry chef in all of Equestria.

And Ponyville was never the same after that day. Ponies swarmed to the Justice Bureau, it cracked down on crime like mold on cheese. The streets used to be were the bad thoughts and mean ideas went to fester, but not anymore. A pony could wander wherever they pleased without fear of bein' shaken down for their hard earned goods.

Yeah, all was well in the town of ponies. Everything was all right, it practically oozed justice and liberty.

But crime...crime never stays dead for long. It'll claw it's way back up, somehow, sometime.
But for now, Ponyville was one of the safest towns in Equestria.

All thanks to two ponies with a nose for crime and a head full of lawfulness.
Ok what.

Someone in my last journal requested I do: "A oneshot involving Pinkie Pie, Rarity and an explosion of chocolate pudding. lol."

So obviously I went with a Film Noir detective story. It was the only logical thing to do.

This story stars Pinkie Pie and Rarity as police investigators, cleaning up crime until a lead from Pinkie Pie on an old case gets them caught up in a melodramatic adventure.

This got WAY more ahead of me then I expected it to...I got a little carried away...
This is also incredibly stupid, I did no editing and did not go back and change any story elements and also made it up as I went.

Oh yeah, have some mood music. [link]

(See if you can spot when I run out of jokes.)
Add a Comment:
Shadayloronic Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This fan fiction, it isn't good, ITS PUDDING-TASTIC
ForlanceAbice1 Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012
I smell brilliance here.
Submit this epic cheese to Fimfiction.
You won't regret it.
MrFugums Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2012
And I smell pudding.
ForlanceAbice1 Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2012
And Cupcakes!
ScottWolf Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2012
I'm not big on noir, but this rocked my sox. Well played.
MrFugums Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2012
sox = rocked
ScottWolf Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2012
Qsteel Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Dude this was epic as hell
mirajane-scarlet Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2012   General Artist
*stops painting* *reads fic* *dies*

THAT WAS AMAZING! Just... amazing. Ponies and noir AND pudding! :)
MrFugums Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2012
I take it you liked it.
mirajane-scarlet Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2012   General Artist
Add a Comment:

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Submitted on
April 16, 2012
File Size
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